The BATNA Theory of Dating

And how to live it. This one goes out to the single ladies [and gents] just in time for summer lovin'. Attached? Share this with the best catch you know.

After that one time Vogue told the world that I hadn’t dated for the majority of my 30s nor been kissed in years (true story), I heard from many a singleton who could relate to my late[er]-in-life search for love. Based on the Insta-enthusiasm around my subsequent sharing of The BATNA Theory of Dating™, I’m immortalizing it here. Tonight, I’m talking about cultivating a rich life, living alone, and putting hope into action. [I've even included the email I sent to friends asking for set ups.]

Dated, snagged a kiss(!), got engaged, and married my sweet husband all at age 36. Here we are at our February 2021 pandemic wedding with immediate family — the only guests — as seen in Vogue, photographed by John Dolan.

The Theory

“Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.” — John F. Kennedy, Inaugural Address, January 20, 1961

Ok, this is going to get nerdy. Arguably the most useful thing I learned at Stanford business school is the concept of BATNA — Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. This is specifically intended to be applied to negotiations, but then again, so much of life is one (even if that negotiation is with oneself). BATNA suggests that you must know your highest backup outcome if a deal cannot be reached with a party. That alternative outcome is your walkaway point — i.e. any offer that’s less, you’ll simply walk away. Defining your best alternative gives confidence and leverage to only accept the best option. More, if you can raise your BATNA you will get a better deal done, either through the party with whom you’re negotiating or your next best option.

Let’s take the example of looking for a job. Of course, there are several factors that influence one’s satisfaction with a job — compensation, job title, commute, culture, the actual work itself, and so on. For the sake of simplicity, let’s say salary is all that matters. The best way to negotiate a raise? Be willing to walk away with another job in hand that pays more. Right?

The exact same idea applies to dating. As a child of divorce and with the benefit of experiencing some pretty dysfunctional dating relationships [no shade to any of my former flames, as there have been many and some very lovely gentlemen in that group], I came to realize that I was much happier single than in a less-than-ideal relationship. Aha! I had a walkaway point. I extrapolated that the happier I was with my single life, the more likely it was that I would get into a relationship with or marry someone truly wonderful. For me, partnering with someone amazing, not simply finding a partner, was the goal.

So, I wanted to find a phenomenal spouse. I couldn’t control the dating pool per se, but I could invest in building a life I loved without a husband. The more I loved my work, spending time with my friends, perusing my hobbies and passions, and living alone, the higher the bar became to justify diverting my time to a boyfriend. This may have had the unintended consequence of keeping me single longer — so what? Yes, I wanted a husband, but I only wanted a GREAT one who was worth giving up precious time with other people and projects and, eventually, sharing my sacred home space.

Over the years I lived alone in several spaces. One of my San Francisco studios, featured in Architectural Digest, was my longest stay. But it was my final bachelorette pad — a 700 square foot one bedroom in Greenwich Village — where I spent my peak BATNA Dating years and, therefore, my best single life memories. Above is an image of me in that apartment’s living room as seen in Cup of Jo, photographed by Kate Sears. Coincidentally, I’m wearing the same dress (this HVN silhouette in an old print) that I wore on my first [blind] date with Thomas. I’ll share photos and design details of that apartment throughout this post. You can also see more of it on Domino and Coveteur. Living room paint color, sconces, sofa fabric, similar lamp, curtain fabric.

During my solo years in San Francisco I took up surfing. I collaborated with legendary shaper Gary Linden to create a line of surfboards with St. Frank prints, including the longboard here. Similar coffee table, similar bar cart, similar surfboard, similar pillow. Photograph by Kate Sears for Cup of Jo.

The view from the living room into the tiny kitchen. Perhaps the term kitchenette is more appropriate as it contained a dishwasher, but no oven. All my meals were cooked in this amazing toaster oven, which may be the best oven of any size I’ve ever had. Kitchen paint color, dining room chair fabric. Photograph by Sarah Elliott for St. Frank.

A note to my readers who found Mr. Wonderful when they were miserable: yay! I’m sure it’s possible for this to happen. God works in mysterious ways and there is no accounting for the luck of discovery — the timing of our life is out of our control. That said, if you are deeply unhappy with life as a singleton, you are more likely to settle for a dud as company. Tonight is about channeling any effort to find The One into a direction that will serve you in the short and long-term. The reality is, we [especially women] are likely to find ourselves alone again at some point because #lifeexpectancy. If nothing else for those attached, it’s good to know that while missing someone you love is awful, single status offers something great, too.

Living Your Best Life

“And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” — Confucius

I trust you get the gist: choose engaging work, or at the very least a job with colleagues you really enjoy; deepen friendships — new and old — making and keeping plans with the people you love; cultivate interests and hobbies that push you to grow and get outside your comfort zone; seek to nurture your spiritual soul; get that dog you’ve been wanting [shoutout to the childless cat ladies!], etc, etc, etc.

During the special years of being single where I owned this philosophy, I was hyper focused on both work and play. What I now realize is that I also enjoyed so much time relaxing. I slept eight to nine [sometimes ten on the weekend] hours per night. I read lots of books, watched many a hit show. When I went to the pool or beach I could just lie down. It’s hard to remember that feeling at this point. It’s harder to believe I ever found a solo flight and trip through the airport anything but peaceful. I learned to enjoy traveling alone and discovered that I could truly, madly, deeply love living alone. My genuine hope for any single readers is that you can embrace these luxuries while they are available to you.

The largest closet of my life thus far! Closet color, similar rug. Photograph by Sarah Elliott for St. Frank.

RIP to my always-extremely-tidy existence. Photograph by Kate Sears for Cup of Jo.

I spent an entire post opining on the pain points of sharing a bedroom with my beloved Tommy. I won’t even get into the challenges in the rest of the home with a one and three-year-old and a fairly naughty dog [but they include scrubbing poopoo off of every surface of the bathroom (at least it was the bathroom!!!) at 2:30 AM last week]. While I was single, there was something so deeply gratifying about creating a tiny home that was all my own. It looked and smelled like me. It was nearly always tidy. There was virtually no chipped paint in the entire place. I could have people over (which I did often) or enjoy it all to myself — a little cocoon to retreat to after a long day of fighting the good fight.

I kept the drawer in the not-my-side-of-the-bed bedside table empty as a symbolic space for my future husband. Wallpaper, trim paint, sheepskin rug, similar side tables, similar lamps, curtain fabric. Photograph by Sarah Elliott for St. Frank.

One of the ways I embraced my independence was by having a feminine, pink bedroom. Sconces, similar bed, coverlet, similar pillow. Photograph by Sarah Elliott for St. Frank.

At the highest level, whether it’s the job, the city, the apartment, or the vacation, I think the biggest mind-shift with the BATNA Theory of Dating life is never having a placeholder mentality, but rather building a life you love right now with what you have. The way to do that is to ‘Lean In’ to a long-term mindset of being single and make that life as good as you can, while also embracing the negotiation — aka dating.

The pantry off my kitchenette showcasing a registry-worth Staub cookware set in a graphite finish that I gifted myself for my 30th birthday. Paint color, toaster, cutting board, similar hit of copper, similar garden stool. Photograph by Kate Sears for Cup of Jo.

Manifesting, Requesting, and Nesting

“Everything you can imagine is real.” — Pablo Picasso

The WORST thing someone could have said to me when I was single was “you’re single because you’re too picky.” WTAF does that mean? Never have I ever thought a gal needed to lower her expectations for how great her partner should be. However, I have OFTEN thought, “damn, she is way too good for that guy." So, again, single ladies [and gents and gender non-conforming readers], the most important thing I believe you can do is raise your BATNA (and enjoy all that uninterrupted sleep).

The second worst thing someone could have said to me was, “you’re going to meet someone when you stop looking.” As if at age 36 this type A straight girl (with no frozen eggs) who wants children is going to stop looking for a guy. LOL.

My singleton throne, where I spent so many uninterrupted hours working… and writing the below email. Similar art, similar desk, similar tray, chair fabric. Photograph by Kate Sears for Cup of Jo.

So for those of you, asking, “how’d you meet him?” I’m laying out all the woo woo sh*t I threw at the wall in the last year+ before I met my true love. I’ll let you decide the merit of these efforts — I’m not a dating guru. That said, the thread through it: I dreamed it, [tried to] believe it, and proudly claimed it. As my little brother, a retired professional golfer would say, I envisioned the ball going in the hole. More, I told people (and myself) that I was going to make the putt.

1. I asked for help.

   For years and years I pretty much asked everyone I encountered to set me up. As a result, I went on a lot of blind dates — even some of my investors, friends of friends, and one of my mom’s friends I’ve never even met set me up. I decided to formalize the effort.

   Almost a year to the day before I met Thomas, I sent an email to nearly 50 (and, no, they were not bcc’d) of my friends with this request. Many people have asked me for this email since it was referenced in the Vogue article, and so I’m sharing it in all its embarrassing glory here. I’ve cut and pasted it, almost verbatim [in my original email I included reference to another friend who employed this method, which I’m omitting for the sake of her privacy]:

   Best gal pals,

   I’m writing to ask if you’ll wrack your brains for just one potentially fun guy for me to meet, based in New York, who you could set me up with on a blind date. Age 30-50, don’t care if he is divorced or has kids, blah, blah. If you like him, I’ll give it a shot. I have not even had a crush on anyone in 5+ years, so if I move in the direction of finding a guy I’d like to kiss once, this would be a WIN! That said, my intention is to fall in love in the next 6 months and based on my current deal flow (or lack there of), I’m going to need some help to do it.

   Thanks for considering (and not judging)! Love you!

   Christina

   PS - Thank you if you have already set me up!!!

   I know, that’s not going to win a Pulitzer, but I’m just trying to give the people what they want. As documented, one of the recipients of this email, Carter Kahle Slattery, nearly a year later introduced me to a guy. He wasn’t living in New York as requested, but Texas. Somehow she put together that we’d both be in Florida visiting our moms over MLK weekend. So we had a sober daytime lunch date in a city where neither of us lived. I married him 13 months later. Keep an open mind.

2. I did The Five Minute Journal.

   I literally cannot say enough about this practice for anyone at any place in their life. [Shoutout to Frances Webster Peter who turned me on to it.] It’s a daily exercise that cultivates an attitude of gratitude. Talk about improving that BATNA. Bonus: gratitude and positivity are attractive.

   As part of the journal, you manifest. This means, for example, every day for 6+ months before I met Thomas I wrote, “I am in a loving, passionate, enduring relationship,” among other things that weren’t true at the moment. Do it your way, but you get the picture.

3. I submitted a prayer request.

   Separate from this story, I believe in the power of prayer, so I have been praying for my spouse on and off for basically my whole life because I’m a helpless romantic who has been crushing on boys since kindergarten.

   If you have been to a protestant church, you know that a printed program is typically handed out on Sunday mornings and that it commonly includes a welcome card or some vehicle for collecting new people’s information and accepting prayer requests. Well, I was visiting my mom’s church the first Sunday of 2020 and submitted a request that read something pretty close to: “Will you please pray for me to find a husband? I am about to turn 36 and haven’t kissed anyone in years. This is not a joke! SOS.” A few days later, I received a text message that people in the church were gathering to pray for me and within an hour Carter reached out connecting me to Thomas. Just saying, the math is mathing.

Enjoying my new husband’s company on our wedding night, as captured by John Dolan.

Before I met Thomas, I got to a place where my BATNA was high. I truly loved my life as it was and I also wanted a partner. Those things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. For example, right now, I love my life as it is, but I want another child. [Assuming my husband is aligned, which is a large assumption] would anyone think that I loved my life or family less if I went about doing what I could to increase my chances of having another child? If you are coming from a Christian perspective [all are welcome here!], you may be familiar with Luke 18:1, “always pray and never give up.” Meaning, yes, pray/manifest/do a rain dance if you believe in that, but keep searching for The One and don’t be discouraged. Phrased another way, thoughts and prayers are not enough without action. Amen somebody? So too, I think that projecting desperation on people earnestly seeking a partner is misplaced. I used to be worried about looking pathetic in my search for love. However, the higher my BATNA became, the more confidence I had to openly and wholeheartedly search for a spouse and believe I would find a great one.

My path is my own, nothing more and nothing less. Whatever goal-du-jour I may be pursuing, sometimes all I need is a reason to hope, to keep up the faith. Thank you to those of you who’ve let me know that you were encouraged by my romantic overshare. This is for you. Good night and good luck!

Feeling all the love and gratitude for my sweet Thomas Herbert. Dress, wedding planning by Augusta Cole, photograph by John Dolan.